I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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