About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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