i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
