Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
