dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
