My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
