Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
