i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
