You can't special order awesome
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
