I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
