Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
