My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We have started to decorate penises.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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