it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
zippers are such a cool invention
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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