Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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