Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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