connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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