my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
