I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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