Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
