The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
