GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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