I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
