Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
