why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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