Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
