I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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