Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
