do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
