i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
