k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
