Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
