mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
