i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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