Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm like, not good at living.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
