worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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