hotel room ftw
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
