U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
