"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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