Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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