When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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