He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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