my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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