Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
