Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
