Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
