So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
