I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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