i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
