Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
