So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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