he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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