i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
